Hello, Goodbye

Leaving for Boston. I always get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, a physical reaction to the fact that soon, I will be very much alone. It makes no sense because all I wanted since the moment I got home was to leave. But life is funny that way; you just cant get what you want WHEN you want it. The airport is an interesting place. There are people fleeing for good, crying for their loss, joyous to embark on a fabulous destination, or just unsure of what their flight will bring. Every time I fly, I'm reminded of the difficult equilibrium between the freeing independence of being alone and the constraining ties that bind me to a family.
I get this horrible, scared feeling that as soon as I pass security, I will be alone. For better or for worse I will have to face what comes my way without being able to blame anyone or attribute it to anyone but me, myself, and I. Yet I feel empowered because I know that I thrive when independent; I'm a weed that can grown anywhere you throw me.
It is partly liberating to be free from listening to other people in my life who have a say in what I do, when I do it, and how I want to do it. I think that’s what I missed the most while at home, making all of my own decisions. (Yet choices are a reflection of the larger structural frameworks that we operate in... thus, I'm frustrated that these forces that governed my life at home are still pervasive when I'm away... is there such a thing as "free thinking"? doubtful-- so our thoughts/actions/choices are just a reflection of what we've absorbed from our surrounding or our efforts to do otherwise) But that is the exactly what I missed the most about home: being able to be the baby and seek out help shamelessly; to neglect cleaning my room and doing anything productive.
Well my days of lardhood are over. It looks like I will have to get my bum on the move now: hopefully it’s all I wanted.